Having a random hookup so left but love u
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
