im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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