she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
