So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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