I wish I could punch you in the face.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
is that a dick in a sweater?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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