Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
