this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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