Your face is a jimmy john
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
You're earring is so big in my mouth
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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