Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
