Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
and she was petting her beer can
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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