So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
