Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
