I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
