seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize