I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
