she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
