so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Randomize
