Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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