Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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