Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
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