1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
