i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My Higher Power is John Stamos
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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