filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Randomize
