I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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