Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
