I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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