You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Randomize
