mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
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