I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
