someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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