If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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