Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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