Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
