oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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