I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
