i think i recognize dicks better than faces
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
