walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
