i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
