how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Buhtt sex?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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