you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
