4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
