Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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