Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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