I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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