well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Randomize
