i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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