i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
