so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Randomize
