rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
