weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
