I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize