i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
