So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
