if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
