Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Sext me about skeletons
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
